What is Sexual Intelligence (Sex IQ)?
Sexual Intelligence (IQ), is about understanding where you are sexually, and why, at any given point, as well as the awareness of how that changes over time. Your Sex IQ is a path to understanding your body, your pleasures and your desires, as well as those of your partner. However, it is important to note that your Sex IQ is part of your overall life, and you can benefit from better understanding and improving it, even if you are not currently in, or are in between relationships. Sexual intelligence encompasses your capacity to build healthy, satisfying, intimate relationships. It directly affects your relationships, self-esteem and overall well-being. In short, your Sex IQ is your ability to recognize, understand and navigate the physical, psychological and emotional aspects of sex with intelligence, respect and integrity.
More than sex
Given today’s environment of constant connectivity and information load, our understanding and views of sex have changed and continue to evolve. In previous times, Sex IQ would probably have been commonly thought of as sexual skill based on physical prowess or textbook techniques. The truth is your Sex IQ is not about how much you know about sex, knowing a lot of positions, or how good you are in bed. That’s not to say that working to become a better lover isn’t a worthwhile endeavor. (It is often a nice side benefit of boosting your Sex IQ!) Instead, views have shifted to a deeper, more holistic understanding of sexuality. And at the heart of this understanding is your Sexual IQ or Sexual Intelligence.
While sex is at the heart of your Sex IQ, the “intelligence” part of it involves having knowledge and awareness of the context, purpose and consequences of sex. The context of having sex refers to what leads up to it, and what follows it. Awareness, or intelligence, of where you are at any given point in that continuum, can lend itself to being more in tune to the act itself. That increased intelligence can basically make it a better experience for both partners. It also plays into a more meaningful purpose for sex. What is the purpose? Is it physical, emotional, for procreation? The answers are not mutually exclusive. With the exception of procreation, which is often a more planned, thought-out purpose, the purpose of sex is usually a combination serving both physical and emotional needs and desires. The consequences of sex refers to what can happen as a result of having sex. Maybe it’s simply a fun, fulfilling part of keeping a healthy relationship; maybe it eventually leads to a lifetime commitment; maybe it leads to a new human being. The point is, that considering more all-encompassing aspects of sex enhances and improves your Sex IQ, which in turn, improves your relationships and overall well-being.
What makes up your Sex IQ?
A variety of sources have addressed what Sexual Intelligence consists of – the components of Sex IQ. Depending on the source, there are generally between 4 and 6 thing listed. When you compare and distill them down, there are 3 things that should be considered as the core elements of your Sex IQ.
- Self-Awareness. This is about knowing and understanding your own needs, desires and boundaries, and having the emotional maturity to manage those things. It also includes the awareness and acceptance of yourself physically. From maintaining good health habits, reproductive health and condition, to your physical abilities and limitations, body knowledge and being able to adjust and adapt is pare of self-awareness.
- Respect and empathy. Along with self-awareness, comes the awareness of others as well, i.e. a partner. Recognizing the needs, feelings and boundaries of your partner indicates a higher Sex IQ.
- Communication. It should go without saying that communication is vital to any relationship. It is especially necessary for a sexually intelligent, intimate relationship. You need to be able to talk openly and respectfully about sex and other intimate topics with your partner, without fear, embarrassment or shame.
The importance of sexual intelligence
The role of sex evolves in our lives, for better or worse. It is natural for a new relationship to be driven by hormones, infatuation and lust. If the relationship continues, that usually transforms to love, in the sense of a deep, lasting, emotional connection. However, given enough time, routine sets in, and idealizing a partner and the relationship wanes. Desire is no longer triggered on a reliable basis. In other words, less sex.
How to improve your Sex IQ
In looking to improve your sexual intelligence, you should first determine what you want from sex. Just like many things in life, and especially in relationships, there is no one-size-fits-all. The frequency and specifics of the sex desired varies with individuals and couples. If a relationship is basically compatible in those areas, improving sexual intelligence will enhance it further.
Educate yourself, learn
- Read books by sex educators and therapists.
- Seek out sex-positive media through podcasts, online columns, etc.
- Take a course or workshop. This could be anything from a seminar to a tantric yoga workshop.
Practice being vulnerable
- It can’t be stressed enough how important it is to be able to be open about your desires, wishes, insecurities, boundaries and fantasies. This could be about specifics, like wanting more kissing, oral sex, or different positions, to what you want in overall feelings from sex. What most people want almost always comes down to a combination of pleasure and closeness.
Include emotional intelligence in the mix
- Once again, this relates to communication. Sex is both a physical act and an emotional one. Managing your feelings about what makes you feel safe during intimacy, what and why insecurities may be triggered, and being present with empathy for your partner about those things are part of developing and being more emotionally intelligent. It also means being able to accept a partner’s vulnerability without feeing the need to “fix it.”
Staying open and curious
- One of the hallmarks of going through life with a positive, embracing mindset is the having a willingness to stay open to new ideas and things, and seeking them out (curiosity) on your own. Increasing your sex IQ means accepting the idea that your sex life will evolve over time. Things like age, pregnancy, stress, experience, or spiritual changes, can change the way you perceive and experience intimacy. The important thing is to stay open to change, and find comfort in riding the ebbs and flows of your relationship without panic, guilt or fear.
One more note
Sex is an important topic, and a sensitive one on many different levels. After all, it’s been a powerful force that’s led to wars, the success or failure of lives and careers, even murder and mayhem. It only makes sense to try and get smarter, more “intelligent”, about it. The act of sex is the epitome of vulnerability – it involves being literally naked, physically and most often, emotionally as well.
Having sexual intelligence is a life skill. It’s about how you view and care for your body, relate to others, express intimacy and treat pleasure in your life. Improving it can only make things better. It can help you communicate with a partner more easily, recognize what really turns you on, have more fun and confidence in the bedroom, and even have more orgasms.
For an added boost
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SOURCES
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2117556/
https://www.thehealthy.com/sex/sex-iq-quiz-doctor-emily-morse-sex-with-emily/
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36640115/
https://www.livereal.com/relationships/sex/sexual-intelligence/
https://inasocijacija.mk/en/shto-e-seksualna-inteligencija-i-zoshto-e-znachajna/
https://www.martyklein.com/download/sexual_intelligence_preview.pdf
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/367154450_Measuring_Sexual_Intelligence_for_Evaluating_Sexual_Health
https://stanleyburton.com/blogs/column/what-is-your-sex-iq
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/sexual-intelligence_b_1498621
https://www.thehealthy.com/sex/sex-iq-quiz-doctor-emily-morse-sex-with-emily/
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36640115/
https://www.livereal.com/relationships/sex/sexual-intelligence/
https://inasocijacija.mk/en/shto-e-seksualna-inteligencija-i-zoshto-e-znachajna/
https://www.martyklein.com/download/sexual_intelligence_preview.pdf
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/367154450_Measuring_Sexual_Intelligence_for_Evaluating_Sexual_Health
https://stanleyburton.com/blogs/column/what-is-your-sex-iq
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/sexual-intelligence_b_1498621
